Kavya
passionné
résistant
idéaliste

Refusal

you know my intentions -
i know you know
yet when others point fingers
when they make judgements
why do you change yourself?

the endless abyss of sorrow surrounds us
and engulfed we are, as we always were
yet the sorrow has seeped into me today
and you stand there
watching me sink
with the others, pointing fingers-
making holes in the empty shell of my being
while you float
while they float

you know i know
that you know me
yet you deny our kinship
you deny what you know
you deny our truth
and we part enemies
for you refuse to admit
that you understand

Summer goals

Summer has officially begun, and its time for me to set some goals to be fullfilled before these three odd months are over! so here goes. My goals for this summer.

1. Sleep cycle

i wanna start sleeping at 9.30 and waking up at 4.30 every morning. Yes, as drastic as that sounds, its the best possible way for me to actually function. Studying in the morning works wonders, as does yoga when you wake up etc.

2. Diet

I need to regulate my diet - basically start eating meals at regular times, eat more protien, try and ween myself of sugar (because diabetes is soooo in my genes, the earlier i get used to it the better) - oh and get used to drinking large amounts of water and green tea, simply because its so much healthier.

3. ABS!

i need to START EXERSIZING. i havent done this full and proper in YEARS. so when i wake up at 5.30, i need to shower (of course, i cant wake up without one) and then i'll go straight to the gym. I'll do at least 200 crunches, then run on the treadmill for twenty minutes, then do some leg exersizes, then perhaps swim. Every morning. At like 6am. I should have my abs back by the end of the summer :)

4. Learn to text

i finally got this unlimited texting plan! hahaha! so i will learn to text once more, this time on a blackberry instead of a nokia (: whoohoo.

5. Get aquainted with iconic music

yes, this is pretty damn important. If you think theres a band i should definately know about, let me know! i need to go actually listen to these icons of rock and roll, so im not quite so clueless anymore. lol. i cant rely on muse and queen and the beatles alone, now, can i?

6. WRITE.

i promise to finish my novel by this summer. If you want latest chapters, ask me, and ill email them personally. Im on chapter ten now. I need at least a hundred and fifty. I need to write at something like five chapters a day on avg. i need to write. like crazy. and im sure ill finish it, because i feel like writing nowadays. Oh and i can just take this laptop by the pool, or over to coffee bean,or to billbarber and just plain let go of everything and WRITE. whoohoo (:

7. get organized

i need to get everything in order and myself in order, and i need to do some deep thinking before i leave for college. I need to get my thoughts organized, find my priorities, and find myself. Its going to take some effort, several long walks, several hours on that swing, but i will get this down. yes i will.

8. Meditate

i need to learn to manage stress, and yoga and meditation usually do the trick. I need to get back into this mode. It feels wonderful, refreshing and absolutely rejuvinating, and i need it back. i do.

So there we go. my top 8 summer goals. Its gonna take some effort, but i will get these done! yay (:

It has come and gone
washed over us- we are too firmly
seated in this sand to be moved
it is gone
it is finished
but we are not finished- we will never be
we are stuck in the sand of time
forevermore reveling
in the glory of today
because it is forevermore today for us

but there are some
that will never be visible again
that have washed away
that live in tomorrow now
and their absence will make today different

but you are here
and so am i
do we really need them at all?
if they choose tomorrow
and we chose today-


we have chosen not to be.


Survival

I think this is something that has been long overdue, partly because at least three people have spoken to me about this over the last two weeks. Its time i write about it, i think, perhaps for some self clarification more than to share.



We're all lost. Its a fact of life, not a single person has not felt lost in this world. I mean, in irvine, such a privileged community, 70% of the teenage population experiences depression before 11th grade. That is such a significant number that one cannot fathom what has gotten into these people - but its true, we're all lost, and we cannot help but slip into regret once in awhile.

Think about it. What does the future hold for us? We dont know. Will we see the person in front of us tomorrow, or the day after? We dont know. Will we die tomorrow, never to see the light of another dawn again, or will we live till we're a century old? We dont know.

The uncertainty of life, the overwhelming sensation that we dont control what is such an integral part of us, the ebb and flow of the tide in the sea of faith - all this just reaffirms our fears, and tells us, again and again that we are lost.

The world is large, and we are tiny. We can get crushed under the gigantic feet of fate anyday now, and there is nothing we can do about it. Determinism only goes so far - i cannot actually act to prevent a car accident, or a plane crash, or anything of that sort. A certain degree of life is definitely dictated by chance.

So here we are, insignificant little creatures lost in the abyss of space and time, with nothing solid to rely on. How on earth does one survive in this kind of environment? How can one actually overcome these overwhelming odds and prevent themselves from being crushed?

Ive been thinking about this for awhile now. I cant help it, when im pensive (most of the time, when im alone) i think about these things - and ive reached the conclusion that we cant orientate ourselves towards the entire world. The abyss has no orientation. There is no way that i can actually define myself relative to my position in the world.

However, what we can do is orientate ourselves to the relative positions of those around us, those we love, those we care for, those we couldnt possibly survive without. I know where i stand relative to my loved ones - and that gives me a sense of security. In the big picture, we're all lost - we're all in the abyss together. But the togetherness is the key to sanity in this case - the small picture keeps us sane. When i look at my family, or my friends, i know what i am to them and what they are to me. The orientation of these relationships, the security that this familiarity provides is what i survive with.

I know that anything could happen tomorrow. I know full and well how incapable i am of controlling what happens tomorrow. But the fact that today, i have you, i have those who love me as much as i love them, makes life worth living - and that is why i live in today.


Solitude

I realised today how precious solitude is. After a tiringly fun day of hanging out with Sarah, Jon and Gary, which led to much reflection on recent events and conclusions about the future, i got back home in the evening, took Cupcake out to walk, and spent something like an hour watching the sun set while slowly walking around BillBarber.

Singing french, hindi and english songs to myself (and im getting better at singing stacy, dont worry, birds didnt drop dead as they heard my voice) i strolled around on the darkling plain (yes thats a quote from dover beach) with the little doggie sniffing everything in sight, and i felt this intense feeling of peace wash over me.

It was wonderful. The breeze carassed my face as i sung the tunes that i knew so well - Sway, La lune brille pour toi, mon amant de saint jean, tadap tadap ke - and the doggie wagged its tail, and i watched the other doggies and the kids walk around. It was surreal, somehow.

I dont really know what it was in that walk. I still have the aches and pains from bench pressing more than i can handle yesterday, from doing weights i shouldnt have done when i knew i had no time today to do them so that my arms arent horribly pained. I still was tired from a day of talking about EVERYTHING with sarah and occasionally jon and gary. But i was inexplicably HAPPY.

and i still am. its as though ive taken some kind of happy pill!

But the best part of the evening was, by far, when (dano taught me this) i tied up that lil doggy at the stairs with its leash (it wasnt uncomfortable!) and i swung for ten minutes. It was HEAVEN. dear god, i need to do that more.

Solitude is sometimes wonderful too :)


Awkwardness.

You know that group on facebook called "Awkward Situations Define My Life"? well, its pretty much made for me. I have the uncanny ability to somehow take a perfectly normal situation and turn it awkward by doing/saying/thinking the absolute wrong thing at the right time.

I could quote several examples, but honestly, that would give away too much, and seeing how this blog isnt private, perhaps that isnt such a good idea. So lets take a hypothetical situation. Im trying (why, i do not know) to make small talk with someone. And this is someone im trying to impress/be nice to etc. And i manage to express an opinion that is inexperiencedly the exact opposite to that of that person. Yeah. Thats how perfectly i set myself up against myself. Its like starting a conversation with a republican about how those who oppose gay marriage are idiots. Well, this person is very nice, so he takes it in the best possible way and tries to cover up my mistake. Nevertheless, we're both glad when i end the conversation. And undoubtedly, there will be several more minutes of regretting my words in order for me to get over this.

This is just a small example of the awkward situations that seem to charecterize my very life. There are so many moments that i have thought better of, so many times i have wished i had done something differently.

So today im making a pact with myself. Never again will i let any situation get awkward. Never again will i suffer the compulsion to impress someone, or to care about someone else's opinions enough to actually affect my actions. My morality shall rule my actions.

Quoting Michael Bublé, "its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me - and IM FEELING GOOD."


Dear Diary!

I have no clue how, but ive been having suchhh a good week and such a bad week all at once. Lol. well the bad part kind of begun with school - test today that i SO flunked, not sleeping much yesterday - it was kind of stressful i guess. It really was. But i was happy throughout it! Alrite stacy, i think im going to give you what you asked for - a recounting of what happened ><

Saturday was prom - detailed discriptions were emailed to those of you who warrent one :P In short, it was a ton of fun, we all had a great time, and it was a lot better than i expected it to be :) Yes, the other dancers were ... shocking? but it was fun for me :]

After prom, as promised before, we have a sleepover that i attended instead of the afterparty- only sarah decides to come a lil later, and bo has homework or something that she has to do at 2am! so michelle and i make our way to her house. Egad. Talk about karma.

So we get back from prom to michelle's house at around two. I took a shower and sat in her living room, awaiting sarah's return while giving her like fifteen missed calls and chatting online with friends in singapore! It was such fun, but stacy, you were at tuitions :( and eliz was at freaking east coast part rollerblading. so gah. two most important people werent there ><

Thennn sarah gets back :D of course, we talk and talk and talk as we are wont to do, we meet my singaporean friends and then we fall asleep at like 5am. But somehow, i dont really know how, i couldnt sleep at all. At ALL.

Some fitfull dreams ( stacy, i told you about the one you were in :P) and sleep later, i wake up at 7am! And i cant go back to sleep at all. I tried to wake sarah/michelle up, but of course, theyre fast asleep. So i woke up and actually took to michelle's "Heath" (her laptop) again, and this time, STACY WAS ONLINE! hahahahaha :D talk about happiness! Wow it feels good to talk to someone who knows you so well. So i talk to her till nine or ten, when my mom comes and picks me and sarah (who literally wakes up a minute before we leave) up.

Thennnnn i shower again and we get ready for lunch with Dr and Dr Iyer (my dad's endocrinologist and his wife), both of whom i respect so much, and who, when im in a good mood, i love talking to - perhaps because they dont quite patronize me as much as other adults seem to do. They talk everything from politics to photography with me like im an equal - it feels good :) and its not like i fall short on their expectations - i keep in touch with the issues we talk about and discuss.

But i must say, the lack of sleep did leave lapses in what is usually a flawless convo. Uncle was commenting on how im gonna be a hardcore capitalist who pays lip service to the democratic party one day, and i actually forgot what the hell a capitalist was. It was like *blank stare* "i guess i am a capitalist to a degree."

I had no idea wtf i was talking about too. Then, as if in a flash, my senses returend, and i kind of saved myself by explaining how at my age my needs arent very capitalistic, so socialistic concerns matter more to me.

All in all, enjoyable sleepy 4h long convo about everything from prom (ive recounted it so many times for so many different people!) to capitalism later, they leave. Then i have to walk the neighbour's dog, which i enjoy quite a bit :D

THEN. I get home and waste a TON of time on youtube, sleep early, wake up late, and end up talking to stacy/eliz until 10.00am, which makes me late for late start at school. How ironic, hmm? Anddd at school i get loaded with a ton of homework. WHich i start at 9pm, dont finish, and go to school to flunk the stupid test that was first period. Whoohoo. But inexplicably, i really dont know why, i was happy throughout everything! i actually couldnt stop smiling all day today.

We (briana and i ) walked the dog, and then went to the gym. I really need to work out - ive grown WEAK. I need to get my abs back :( I cant even bench press 10kg anymore. Pathetic.

And right now, while i sit here, knowing that i have a ton of homework i need to get done, listening to micheal buble and vanassa paradis on youtube, im still happy :D yay!