Le fue de la vie

refusal

2008-06-25T15:29:00.000-07:00

Refusal

you know my intentions -
i know you know
yet when others point fingers
when they make judgements
why do you change yourself?

the endless abyss of sorrow surrounds us
and engulfed we are, as we always were
yet the sorrow has seeped into me today
and you stand there
watching me sink
with the others, pointing fingers-
making holes in the empty shell of my being
while you float
while they float

you know i know
that you know me
yet you deny our kinship
you deny what you know
you deny our truth
and we part enemies
for you refuse to admit
that you understand

Summer goals

2008-06-17T18:00:00.000-07:00

Summer goals

Summer has officially begun, and its time for me to set some goals to be fullfilled before these three odd months are over! so here goes. My goals for this summer.

1. Sleep cycle

i wanna start sleeping at 9.30 and waking up at 4.30 every morning. Yes, as drastic as that sounds, its the best possible way for me to actually function. Studying in the morning works wonders, as does yoga when you wake up etc.

2. Diet

I need to regulate my diet - basically start eating meals at regular times, eat more protien, try and ween myself of sugar (because diabetes is soooo in my genes, the earlier i get used to it the better) - oh and get used to drinking large amounts of water and green tea, simply because its so much healthier.

3. ABS!

i need to START EXERSIZING. i havent done this full and proper in YEARS. so when i wake up at 5.30, i need to shower (of course, i cant wake up without one) and then i'll go straight to the gym. I'll do at least 200 crunches, then run on the treadmill for twenty minutes, then do some leg exersizes, then perhaps swim. Every morning. At like 6am. I should have my abs back by the end of the summer :)

4. Learn to text

i finally got this unlimited texting plan! hahaha! so i will learn to text once more, this time on a blackberry instead of a nokia (: whoohoo.

5. Get aquainted with iconic music

yes, this is pretty damn important. If you think theres a band i should definately know about, let me know! i need to go actually listen to these icons of rock and roll, so im not quite so clueless anymore. lol. i cant rely on muse and queen and the beatles alone, now, can i?

6. WRITE.

i promise to finish my novel by this summer. If you want latest chapters, ask me, and ill email them personally. Im on chapter ten now. I need at least a hundred and fifty. I need to write at something like five chapters a day on avg. i need to write. like crazy. and im sure ill finish it, because i feel like writing nowadays. Oh and i can just take this laptop by the pool, or over to coffee bean,or to billbarber and just plain let go of everything and WRITE. whoohoo (:

7. get organized

i need to get everything in order and myself in order, and i need to do some deep thinking before i leave for college. I need to get my thoughts organized, find my priorities, and find myself. Its going to take some effort, several long walks, several hours on that swing, but i will get this down. yes i will.

8. Meditate

i need to learn to manage stress, and yoga and meditation usually do the trick. I need to get back into this mode. It feels wonderful, refreshing and absolutely rejuvinating, and i need it back. i do.

So there we go. my top 8 summer goals. Its gonna take some effort, but i will get these done! yay (:

today and tomrrow

2008-06-13T23:29:00.000-07:00

It has come and gone
washed over us- we are too firmly
seated in this sand to be moved
it is gone
it is finished
but we are not finished- we will never be
we are stuck in the sand of time
forevermore reveling
in the glory of today
because it is forevermore today for us

but there are some
that will never be visible again
that have washed away
that live in tomorrow now
and their absence will make today different

but you are here
and so am i
do we really need them at all?
if they choose tomorrow
and we chose today-

we have chosen not to be.

today.

2008-06-09T11:00:00.000-07:00

Survival

I think this is something that has been long overdue, partly because at least three people have spoken to me about this over the last two weeks. Its time i write about it, i think, perhaps for some self clarification more than to share.

We're all lost. Its a fact of life, not a single person has not felt lost in this world. I mean, in irvine, such a privileged community, 70% of the teenage population experiences depression before 11th grade. That is such a significant number that one cannot fathom what has gotten into these people - but its true, we're all lost, and we cannot help but slip into regret once in awhile.

Think about it. What does the future hold for us? We dont know. Will we see the person in front of us tomorrow, or the day after? We dont know. Will we die tomorrow, never to see the light of another dawn again, or will we live till we're a century old? We dont know.

The uncertainty of life, the overwhelming sensation that we dont control what is such an integral part of us, the ebb and flow of the tide in the sea of faith - all this just reaffirms our fears, and tells us, again and again that we are lost.

The world is large, and we are tiny. We can get crushed under the gigantic feet of fate anyday now, and there is nothing we can do about it. Determinism only goes so far - i cannot actually act to prevent a car accident, or a plane crash, or anything of that sort. A certain degree of life is definitely dictated by chance.

So here we are, insignificant little creatures lost in the abyss of space and time, with nothing solid to rely on. How on earth does one survive in this kind of environment? How can one actually overcome these overwhelming odds and prevent themselves from being crushed?

Ive been thinking about this for awhile now. I cant help it, when im pensive (most of the time, when im alone) i think about these things - and ive reached the conclusion that we cant orientate ourselves towards the entire world. The abyss has no orientation. There is no way that i can actually define myself relative to my position in the world.

However, what we can do is orientate ourselves to the relative positions of those around us, those we love, those we care for, those we couldnt possibly survive without. I know where i stand relative to my loved ones - and that gives me a sense of security. In the big picture, we're all lost - we're all in the abyss together. But the togetherness is the key to sanity in this case - the small picture keeps us sane. When i look at my family, or my friends, i know what i am to them and what they are to me. The orientation of these relationships, the security that this familiarity provides is what i survive with.

I know that anything could happen tomorrow. I know full and well how incapable i am of controlling what happens tomorrow. But the fact that today, i have you, i have those who love me as much as i love them, makes life worth living - and that is why i live in today.

Solitude

2008-06-04T23:50:00.000-07:00

Solitude

I realised today how precious solitude is. After a tiringly fun day of hanging out with Sarah, Jon and Gary, which led to much reflection on recent events and conclusions about the future, i got back home in the evening, took Cupcake out to walk, and spent something like an hour watching the sun set while slowly walking around BillBarber.

Singing french, hindi and english songs to myself (and im getting better at singing stacy, dont worry, birds didnt drop dead as they heard my voice) i strolled around on the darkling plain (yes thats a quote from dover beach) with the little doggie sniffing everything in sight, and i felt this intense feeling of peace wash over me.

It was wonderful. The breeze carassed my face as i sung the tunes that i knew so well - Sway, La lune brille pour toi, mon amant de saint jean, tadap tadap ke - and the doggie wagged its tail, and i watched the other doggies and the kids walk around. It was surreal, somehow.

I dont really know what it was in that walk. I still have the aches and pains from bench pressing more than i can handle yesterday, from doing weights i shouldnt have done when i knew i had no time today to do them so that my arms arent horribly pained. I still was tired from a day of talking about EVERYTHING with sarah and occasionally jon and gary. But i was inexplicably HAPPY.

and i still am. its as though ive taken some kind of happy pill!

But the best part of the evening was, by far, when (dano taught me this) i tied up that lil doggy at the stairs with its leash (it wasnt uncomfortable!) and i swung for ten minutes. It was HEAVEN. dear god, i need to do that more.

Solitude is sometimes wonderful too :)

awkwardnessssss

2008-06-03T23:49:00.000-07:00

Awkwardness.

You know that group on facebook called "Awkward Situations Define My Life"? well, its pretty much made for me. I have the uncanny ability to somehow take a perfectly normal situation and turn it awkward by doing/saying/thinking the absolute wrong thing at the right time.

I could quote several examples, but honestly, that would give away too much, and seeing how this blog isnt private, perhaps that isnt such a good idea. So lets take a hypothetical situation. Im trying (why, i do not know) to make small talk with someone. And this is someone im trying to impress/be nice to etc. And i manage to express an opinion that is inexperiencedly the exact opposite to that of that person. Yeah. Thats how perfectly i set myself up against myself. Its like starting a conversation with a republican about how those who oppose gay marriage are idiots. Well, this person is very nice, so he takes it in the best possible way and tries to cover up my mistake. Nevertheless, we're both glad when i end the conversation. And undoubtedly, there will be several more minutes of regretting my words in order for me to get over this.

This is just a small example of the awkward situations that seem to charecterize my very life. There are so many moments that i have thought better of, so many times i have wished i had done something differently.

So today im making a pact with myself. Never again will i let any situation get awkward. Never again will i suffer the compulsion to impress someone, or to care about someone else's opinions enough to actually affect my actions. My morality shall rule my actions.

Quoting Michael Bublé, "its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me - and IM FEELING GOOD."

Confusion

2008-06-03T20:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary!

I have no clue how, but ive been having suchhh a good week and such a bad week all at once. Lol. well the bad part kind of begun with school - test today that i SO flunked, not sleeping much yesterday - it was kind of stressful i guess. It really was. But i was happy throughout it! Alrite stacy, i think im going to give you what you asked for - a recounting of what happened ><

Saturday was prom - detailed discriptions were emailed to those of you who warrent one :P In short, it was a ton of fun, we all had a great time, and it was a lot better than i expected it to be :) Yes, the other dancers were ... shocking? but it was fun for me :]

After prom, as promised before, we have a sleepover that i attended instead of the afterparty- only sarah decides to come a lil later, and bo has homework or something that she has to do at 2am! so michelle and i make our way to her house. Egad. Talk about karma.

So we get back from prom to michelle's house at around two. I took a shower and sat in her living room, awaiting sarah's return while giving her like fifteen missed calls and chatting online with friends in singapore! It was such fun, but stacy, you were at tuitions :( and eliz was at freaking east coast part rollerblading. so gah. two most important people werent there ><

Thennn sarah gets back :D of course, we talk and talk and talk as we are wont to do, we meet my singaporean friends and then we fall asleep at like 5am. But somehow, i dont really know how, i couldnt sleep at all. At ALL.

Some fitfull dreams ( stacy, i told you about the one you were in :P) and sleep later, i wake up at 7am! And i cant go back to sleep at all. I tried to wake sarah/michelle up, but of course, theyre fast asleep. So i woke up and actually took to michelle's "Heath" (her laptop) again, and this time, STACY WAS ONLINE! hahahahaha :D talk about happiness! Wow it feels good to talk to someone who knows you so well. So i talk to her till nine or ten, when my mom comes and picks me and sarah (who literally wakes up a minute before we leave) up.

Thennnnn i shower again and we get ready for lunch with Dr and Dr Iyer (my dad's endocrinologist and his wife), both of whom i respect so much, and who, when im in a good mood, i love talking to - perhaps because they dont quite patronize me as much as other adults seem to do. They talk everything from politics to photography with me like im an equal - it feels good :) and its not like i fall short on their expectations - i keep in touch with the issues we talk about and discuss.

But i must say, the lack of sleep did leave lapses in what is usually a flawless convo. Uncle was commenting on how im gonna be a hardcore capitalist who pays lip service to the democratic party one day, and i actually forgot what the hell a capitalist was. It was like *blank stare* "i guess i am a capitalist to a degree."

I had no idea wtf i was talking about too. Then, as if in a flash, my senses returend, and i kind of saved myself by explaining how at my age my needs arent very capitalistic, so socialistic concerns matter more to me.

All in all, enjoyable sleepy 4h long convo about everything from prom (ive recounted it so many times for so many different people!) to capitalism later, they leave. Then i have to walk the neighbour's dog, which i enjoy quite a bit :D

THEN. I get home and waste a TON of time on youtube, sleep early, wake up late, and end up talking to stacy/eliz until 10.00am, which makes me late for late start at school. How ironic, hmm? Anddd at school i get loaded with a ton of homework. WHich i start at 9pm, dont finish, and go to school to flunk the stupid test that was first period. Whoohoo. But inexplicably, i really dont know why, i was happy throughout everything! i actually couldnt stop smiling all day today.

We (briana and i ) walked the dog, and then went to the gym. I really need to work out - ive grown WEAK. I need to get my abs back :( I cant even bench press 10kg anymore. Pathetic.

And right now, while i sit here, knowing that i have a ton of homework i need to get done, listening to micheal buble and vanassa paradis on youtube, im still happy :D yay!

Sway

2008-06-02T23:08:00.000-07:00

Sway

I dont know if you remember this, Stacy, because youre probably the only one who would remember - but the song by michael Buble, Sway, has long been my favorite to dance to. Ive always dreamt of waltzing/slow dancing to this song, as you well know :D

anddd ironically, it DOESNT play during prom. Thanks rap loving dj, thanks. The slow dances were nice, i guess, but seriously, how could it beat Sway? how?

so here it is, for your reading/listening pleasure

anyways, here's the link to the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsYv9dMVydo

and lyrics are here:
When marimba rhythms start to play
Dance with me, make me sway
Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore
Hold me close, sway me more

Like a flower bending in the breeze
Bend with me, sway with ease
When we dance you have a way with me
Stay with me, sway with me

Other dancers may be on the floor
Dear, but my eyes will see only you
Only you have the magic technique
When we sway I go weak

I can hear the sounds of violins
Long before it begins
Make me thrill as only you know how
Sway me smooth, sway me now

Other dancers may be on the floor
Dear, but my eyes will see only you
Only you have the magic technique
When we sway I go weak

I can hear the sounds of violins
Long before it begins
Make me thrill as only you know how
Sway me smooth, sway me now
You know how
Sway me smooth, sway me now

By FAR the most romantic, apt, well worded, wonderfully sung song about dancing ever <3

hype

2008-06-01T10:55:00.001-07:00

Hype.

Have you ever noticed, that we as human beings tend to hype things to an extent that makes it seem much more monumental than it really is? i guess its called making a mountain out of a mole hill, but i realise that that cliche flaw has been ingrained in me for so long that its literally a part of me!

Worrying unnecessarily about random things, thinking about things long past for several days and blushing spontaneously in embarrassment over past actions- these seem to follow spontaneous moments and actions. I am a spontaneous person - i could seriously walk up to anyone i dont know, and tell them anything (well...anything tasteful ) you choose. But then, a looong time later, if i should meet that person again, or something should remind me of him/her, the embarrassment will catch up with me, and ill harp on it for at least a few horrible minutes. I guess, in that way, im not spontaneous. I just have a delayed-embarrassment-mechanism. How odd.

But honestly, this harping has led to much worry and discomfort. I should seriously learn to let go - but then again, if i DO believe in determinism, if i do let go, it may cause some kind of muddlement! So ive officially stuck myself in the vicious cycle of overthinking things after theyre finished, just so i can mold my future actions towards them.

How stupid can i get. J'ai besoin d'etre libre, et je ne sais pas comment m'y emmener.

Definition of friendship

2008-05-29T22:11:00.000-07:00

Definition of friendship

Im realising, of late, that this isnt exactly universal, so ive decided to define it for myself.

A friend is someone who has your back.

This is pretty much the first rule of friendship - i got reminded of the fact that this isnt universal today, actually - but then again, i cannot expect that much "common sense" from that friend anyways, as he himself says. So i shall redefine it here. When someone insults you when youre not around, a true friend defends you. A true friend isnt one that sits back and listens to other people talk about you behind your back. When you need a support system, your true friend is there for you. He/she is always there. ALWAYS.

A friend is someone who cares.

A true friend is one who really, sincerely cares about you and wants to make your life better. This is rare, really - there are very few people who are sincerely concerned about your well being. Its really important to recognise them and acknowledge them for what they are. This is someone who watches you win an award and feels really happy that you won it, not bad that you won it instead of him/her.

A friend is someone who respects you

Respect is very important in all relationships. Even best friends have to respect each other, although i guess boundaries are very much less than those with other friends. I mean, i wouldnt mind if sarah, stacy or liz took a decision on my behalf. Firstly, they know me well enough to do that. Secondly, i trust them explicitly, and i hold them accountable for their actions. However, with less close friends, i guess there is a certain degree to which one can be taken for granted.

Well i guess these are the three basic things that i think are required in order to be REAL friends. I try to adhere by them as far as i can for my friends, and i honestly expect no less from them either. And luckily, thus far, most have lived up to my expectations :)

Classical music

2008-05-27T13:00:00.000-07:00

Classical music.

Searching through the junkyard that has absorbed my bookshelf yesterday, i chanced upon my old beethoven CDs. The limited edition "Beethoven Masterworks" set that i borrowed and burned from a family friend that had visited Vienna (Stacy, we have to add this to our list of places we HAVE to visit. Eliz speaks German so we're covered :D ).

Oh my god, how i have missed these twenty-five minute long orchestra peices. It makes me want to unearth my violin and start playing again. My playlist now consists of three hours of solid Beethoven - and i have it on repeat. Im nowhere close to tiring of it even though its been playing all day today, and all day yesterday, and ive heard every single track at least thrice. Its still eternal - even though its now pretty much memorised (again).

There was a time when i would only listen to classical music.Lyrics had relevance in poetry and in nothing else. Beethoven, Vivaldi, Chopin, Strauss - they would dominate my playlist, they'd be played in the car, they'd be the soundtrack that i lived my life to. I would never think of "So take of all your clothes" as next in line to the comment "Its getting hot in here." Junk like that was out of mind, even though it wasnt quite out of sight.

Even though my tastes have taken a modern turn, i have to say i am dissapointed at my inability to filter the junk out of my playlists. Seriously, there are so many songs that talk about totally inappropriate, sick, twisted, absurd things that shouldnt even be voiced, let alone put to a catchy tune and recorded for millions of teenagers to dance to.

Take "Soulja Boy" for example. Seriously, i shouldnt have that in my library. I shouldnt know the lyrics to that song. Yet i do. I actually know that "I'mma supersoak that ***" comes after "watch me crank that". Dear god. What have i come to? This song has to be one of the most poorly chosen bunch of random words to string together i have ever seen. And yet i actually know the lyrics!

Of course, there are obviously lyrics that are beautiful. Coldplay's a shining example in that respect. Their lyrics are absolute poetry. There is no disputing the several levels of meaning they convey, the thoughts they provoke, the fact that with every catchy tune comes an idea about life itself that makes the listener reflect on his or her actions. Coldplay is amazing.

But honestly, even Coldplay doesnt measure up to classical music. The emotions that the peices skillfully draw out of their listeners are truly superior to those inspired by mere words. Beethoven's fifth symphony is one that im sure everyone reading this has heard at least once. Go back to that for a second. (heres a link to the first movement : http://youtube.com/watch?v=5c4x0yuKpeY&feature=related )

Close your eyes. Let the music flow over you. Lose yourself in the music. You can actually feel yourself getting angry, curious, saddened, pensive, happy, tense, excited - you can feel the music playing YOU.

That is why it is superior to today's popular music. Because soulja boy can never make you do more than bob your head. Because kanye has a good beat, but really nothing else. Because music is pure. Let it be a part of you.

Greatness.

2008-05-24T13:44:00.000-07:00

Greatness.
I'm at Coffee Bean (officially my favourite coffee shop, both because of its impeccable chocolate flavor and because of the free trade agreement that it has with the farmers it procures its coffee from, so that they get paid their fair share UNLIKE starbucks etc that exploit the farmers all over the world so that most of them live below the poverty line), doing US History (well not really, since ive blogged twice in these two hours), and something someone just did inspired me to write.

Greatness, to me, is a personality trait, not a log of someone's achievements. It is the instinct to do what is right, to go out of one's way to make the lives of others a little bit easier, to hold the door open for someone with a ton of stuff in their hands, to help in whatever small way you can. This instinct is what leads people to true achievements, to climb the ladder of success to unprecedented heights. This is what leads people to live with a standard that elevates them from the norm, and this in turn boosts them to success.

What inspired me to write this? Knowing the dramatist i am, you should know that it wouldnt be some kind of grand gesture. A barista here has been watching (NOT creepily) three people (including me) slogging away at our computers (we're all students) for the past two to three hours. He's just my age, maybe a year or two away. He has watched customers come and go, while the three of us stay, with our eyes glued to the computers that seem to dictate our lives, the worry apparent on our faces, our fingers typing furiously. He watched as we sipped our cold drinks, a second's respite from the stress we seem to be under.

There are other baristas here, some much older than he is, all observing us during the occasional lulls in business. They watch, as he does, as we concentrate. They do what anyone would do - nothing.

The young barista, however, after a few minutes into one of the lulls in business, tapped me on my shoulder. I looked up, startled, wondering what he wanted, weather he wanted us to clear out because we had been hogging the seats for so very long. But instead, with a caring smile, he says "I made a few extra drinks by mistake. Would you like one?" He hands me a mocha latte, smiles as he is thanked, and moves on to give free drinks to the other two.

He made THREE mocha lattes (the most popular drink in coffee bean in case you didnt know) by "mistake", at the risk of being caught by his superiors, just so that he could make our day a little bit easier. No one else thought of it - there were at least four other baristas there with him. No one else went out of their way.

That gesture - those three minutes it took him to make those lattes - was what i call great. Very few people would do it. Very few people could find it in them to do something like that for a total stranger, even if it took just a minute.

Yet, i have been lucky. I have had the privilege of knowing so many great people in this short life of mine. So many who would go out of their way to help, who would try their best to make the lives of others easier in any way they can. So many who would give someone a ride to school if they had none, half their sandwich to someone who hasnt eaten, an hour of time to explain a concept to a friend.

Im just really grateful to have had so many truly great friends - in every sense of the word.

futility of human nature

2008-05-23T23:05:00.000-07:00

Futility.

Today, as i was obsessing over which note book to buy from Barnes and Noble, and voicing my thoughts out loud to Sarah - big or small? red print or little flower print?!!!!! - i realised, after maybe five minutes of internal conflict and discussion, that i didnt quite need a diary.

So i put the six diaries i was choosing in between down, and walked away with a twinge of regret, because the note books were on sale, and they were so pretty, and i have an affinity to blank notebooks because i have an instinct to fill them in (but i never end up doing it.). But the bottom line was, i dont write in diaries, im not going to be studying this summer, and i really did not need that extra stack of (perhaps pretty) paper on my desk. So i walked away.

After i put them down, however, i realised, that that was the way i seem to be dealing with quite a few things in my life as of now. I pick something up, an issue that is rather disturbing, a person that i dont quite understand, a proof that i cant quite get my mind around - pretty much anything.

I observe it with my minds eye, i feel its texture and try to understand its intricacies - then, stupidly, i try and fit it into a mold to find a solution. I try and classify it as a certain type of problem so that i can fix it with a certain type of solution, and just when i am so close to jamming it into one of those categories by force, i suddenly awaken thanks to some kind of alarm that saves me from idiocy, and i step back and stop forcing the issue.

Thats when i realise that it wasnt an issue at all, that the solution was staring me in the face from somewhere other than the categories i was looking at, and that i was stupid to have obsessed over the problem so much to begin with. So i walk away, just like i did with the diaries, and i try my very best not to look back or react to that twinge of regret, both for the notebooks left behind and for the horrible amount of time i spent stressing over the irrelevant decision about which to buy, and i hope that i dont display the same idiocy again.

Only i know that it isnt going to stop anytime soon.

and as a side note, even though you probably never will read this, thank you noah for helping me fix my font :D

Times achanging

2008-05-19T18:42:00.000-07:00

Changing times

There are times in one's life that one has to step back, and question the relationships she has made with the world. Times when some of those relationships have shriveled up and died under one's nose, and one has no idea about it until they shatter into a million peices irretrievably. Today is one of those times. These past few weeks, actually, have been extended times like these.

After this juncture in our lives, what with one more month of school and a ton of summer comming up, i seriously dont think that most of these relationships will last. Take singapore for example. At least 300 people whom ive known and loved, out of which i actually legitimately keep in real touch with around 5? thats around 1.5%. wow. 10 years and 5 really close people. What has this world come to?

Today i realised, i guess, that im not quite as close to certain people as i once thought i was. I really cant blame them, its kind of true now that i think about it. You just dont know certain people that well. Especially when they've been together since grade school, even kindergarten. Its amazing that i actually thought differently. I delude myself so much that its kind of scary, and i was just given a jolt of reality by a phone call that i can completely understand and sympathise with, but that, for some wierd reason, i didnt expect.

Last week was another shocker. Sometimes you get so close to someone, so very close, that when they do something unbelievably shocking, you cant absorb its effect upon you. You just cant. It took three days to understand what that person did, and even now, my heart just wants to take a magic eraser and change all of it, as im sure hers does too, but its kind of strange that i, the one who was sinned against, is the one feeling the need to redeem the situation. I need to get rid of that instinct. It has led me astray too many times.

Even now, it screams that i should be the bigger person and extend the hand of, perhaps temporary, friendship to the friend i lost so very long ago, even though every fibre in my being is against that person, even though i know that it will not end well. I cannot help it. I cannot. And that has been my downfall.

My Playlist

2008-05-13T18:29:00.000-07:00

Playlist

I must say, part of what fueled my recent trip to the land of the illogical was definatly the kind of music ive been listening to! how depressing can my playlist get?! let me give you an example, with the first ten songs on my thirty-strong playlist on itunes right now.(and yes, its in several languages, which really makes it wierd to understand etc etc but yeah. lol. )

1. Mon Amant De Saint Jean (Lucienne Delyle)
Very very very pretty song, i absolutely fell in love with it, and had it on repeat for so long. BUT. The storyline is something about a spring romance - AKA it ended with the guy dumping the girl, because spring was over. greeeaaaaat, huh? the ending lines sum it all up : "Il ne m'aimait plus, c'est du pasee, ne parlons plus ". He doesnt love me anymore, its in the past, dont speak of it anymore. whoohoo.

2. Boulevard of broken dreams
greenday, youve gotta love this one, but remember the repetitive line in it? "i walk alone, i walk alone....." yeah. not too cheery, huh?

3. Tadap Tadap Ke - OST Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam
one of my ALL TIME favourite songs. gosh its beautifully sung. but well, the title basically means to suffer. so yeah.

4. beethoven's 9th symphony
this was pretty ok, really. but if you listen to it, you seriously are going to get inspired to be angry. no kidding. its one anger provoking song. but again, its absolutely beautiful.

5. Paralyzer- finger 11
Well,nothing wrong w/ this song really. dark, a little. thats about it.

6. Better that we break - maroon5
thanks maroon 5, thanks.

7. Fix you- coldplay
again, all time fave. j'adore cette chanson. i once wrote an entire short (well, 21 chapters?!) story inspired by this song. very nice, very soothing - i had it on repeat on the 31st of march, knowing it would make me feel better (well it kind of didnt, that day was a little too bad to be countered by a mere song.) but yeah, it kind of made me think of my gobstopper of stress again, so not so good.

8. The scientist - coldplay
it speaks of the futility of all our searches, of life, of love for what you do, for people, for basically everything. yeah, kind of reinforcing my thoughts i guess, so again, not so good to distract me.

9. Le vent nous portera - noir desir
yeah, fatalistic song here. "the wind will carry us." what if the wind carries me in the wrong direction?! what if i DONT WANT to be carried by the wind?! WHAT IF the wind gets me stuck on a coconut tree high up in the air, and doesnt know how to get me down again?!!!!! i'd rather carry myself, thanks.

10. Les amants d'un jour- Edith Piaf
again, sad love song. its kind of wierd, it talks about this young couple spending the night in a hotel room from the perspective of the old waitress who doesnt really have a life. yeah, its pretty damn depressing.

yeah. so now you see where i get my inspiration? mmhmm. sadness knows no bounds with music!

oh wells. time to revamp my playlist! any suggestions? (:

<3

chocolate and stickyness.

2008-05-13T13:06:00.000-07:00

Sticky.

Foolish. Thats about all i feel at this moment.

The overwhelming feelings of pent up frustration, anger, sorrow, mystery and misery have coagulated into a gigantic gobstopper of stress - today, at long last, i feel like ive bitten down and conquered the growing monstrosity that has plagued me for so long.

The incredible foolishness of my worries - the stereotypical idiocy that i felt would never ever plague me - is finally apparent. Its like ive reached an epiphany of sorts, where finally ive risen above the triviality of the issues at hand and am staring, agape, at what i have been doing the past two weeks.

I cannot believe, today, as i gaze upon what i was so very disappointed about, what i was disturbed on an unprecedented level about, that it had affected me so. Why had i let it, why had i let my guard down and indulged in such decadent lack of logic? There is no excuse - there is seriously none.

Stereotypes that have long been the object of my own ridicule got to me, and i let them into my mind and heart. Things i thought i was immune to, things i wouldnt have given two hoots about just a few days ago - they were the force behind my downcast eyes, my false smiles, my overwhelming feeling of drowning in a gigantic pool of chocolate - yes, chocolate, so sweet, so indulgent, yet so sticky and so addictive that it never really gets off you. I guess i just woke up, realized that i was drowning - but itll take awhile to get the chocolate off me, and perhaps, awhile more to get rid of that sticky, sickly sweet feeling that it will leave behind.

And worse yet, these stereotypical worries led to so many unfounded fears, wild predictions and awful thoughts about the future that i harped upon them even more than i was inclined to do to begin with. There is something about threatening the future that causes a shiver to run down my spine. Theres just so much i'm investing in my future that i guess the thought that it isnt going to work out, on whatever front, is absolutely horrifying. Again, my extrapolation in this case was absolutely illogical and was probably exaggerated to a large degree, but it does help explain the fact that i couldnt shift my mind from it for so very long.

But its over.

The chocolate's wearing off.

I'm me again.

And nothing- and no one - else is relevant.

boredom

2008-05-05T22:12:00.000-07:00

Boredom

It caused hedda gabler to convince her old lover to kill himself - heck, it got her to kill herself too- and was still not driven away . It got Svidrigailov to rape innocent children and was still not satiated. It got me to fail my AP Stat exam - wait, that hasnt happened yet.

But looking at what im doing now, at 10.13pm the night before my AP Stat test, it may well be the most accurate prediction of the future i have made yet.

Boredom. What is it about this concept, this nothingness, this lack of attention span that causes it to dominate my life to this degree? People speak of the irvine bubble - heck, i come from singapore. The entire country is a bubble. My family is like a bubble within a bubble. Dont talk to me about bubbles - im pretty much bubble girl. I'm used to bubbles.

But even though im used to this sheltering and ive found other means of amusement, boredom still plagues me as it always has. Ive gotten bored with things ever since i can remember. I get bored with food, with books, with people, with conversations, even with TESTS. Yes, in the middle of a test i have the incredable ability to fall asleep. Its happened so many times that its just plainly sad.

Why am i not able to concentrate on one thing at a time without loosing my attention span? Classes here (and lets face it, even most in singapore) are like naps with my eyes open. There is absolutely no merit in attending most of them. Honestly, pretty much none of my teachers (with the exception of mr farley) teach in class. Shmenk's can only be concidered random peices of thought interjected by Cs on essays. Malkin's is very amusing, but honestly i have no clue what ive learnt (same with Dunzen's). Farley teaches very well, but sadly for me, he teaches at the pace that the stat class learns. I dont think ive been focused for one lesson this entire year. I spend stat either gazing unfocousedly at the board or drawing little cartoons. Lastly, Antrim's class is one thats pretty much openly self study, but its the most effective one of them all. He's obviously easily approachable. He teaches if you ask him to. The system works - he doesnt teach, i dont get bored.

So honestly, what is it that seperates me from the student that pays full attention in most of his/her classes? Am i just lazy?Why cant i find amusement in things like having conversations about britney spears, or Amitab Bachan's family?

I dont know. There are times i wish i didnt think quite as much, that i could be happy with simple thoughts and simple pleasures that others revel in. I guess im not quite that lucky. Boredom is destined to plague me.

your eyes

2008-05-05T19:14:00.000-07:00

Drinking
your eyes, merlot-deep
i swoon as i gaze-
intoxicated by sorrows
beautiful sunsets long past
stars that shine no more
losses,gains
at what price?

theyre still in you
they look at me
prickling my senses
slightly,lightly

i see you
through those eyes
that i love
that know me
and that unlike you
cannot lie.

Wine

2008-05-05T18:14:00.000-07:00

Glasses of Wine

I think that im one of the most unrealistic, idealistic people on earth. I dream, i imagine, and i hope. I dont think i do much else really. There are things i dream of, and there are things i try to do to achieve those dreams (perhaps because i think of myself as a determinist) but when those dreams shatter, like half full wine glasses that crash to a dark wooden floor, seeping beneath the panels, shards flying everywhere, i dont think i ever get over them. I simply harp, and harp, and bury them deep within my being, so deep that they are hardly ever visible even to me. But theyre there. Theyre there, and i can feel them when i close my eyes and breathe deeply, when i feel like i have not a worry in the world - thats when they prickle, when my mind trods upon those shards of glass and gets drunk on the sorrow that seeped into those maghony floors. That wine, that grows ever more potent with age, that wine that was once the elixir of my being has today turned to poison. Those dreams are past, yet i fool myself, delude myself to believe that there is yet another chance to grasp them in these hands.

Today, i stand at the brink of opportunity. Life, perhaps in a form i had not quite dreamed of, a second-class form, if you will, awaits me. Yet those broken glasses remain, that wine, that poison is still settled in the back of my mind, and it shall always prickle me. But there are other glasses, perhaps more full. Other glasses that my dreaming, foolish, idealistic mind has spun and filled with wine that i have never before tasted. That same mind has dreamed up the unpredictable, the wonderful and the awesome.It has come up with relationships that havent happened, sucesses to come and a love for sheer opportunity. It has hoped and created a standard that i insist i live by each and every day, and it has helped me form my own morality and has made my life what it is today. And that is something that has truly been, and will forever be, worth every single shattered glass.

Iconoclast

2008-05-02T08:26:00.000-07:00

Idolism

Today, im going to give my two cents worth about the multi-million dollar industry that seems to have taken over the minds and souls of teenagers world over. Having seen the numerous "brook white support groups" that have popped up all over facebook since the amateur singer got eliminated on wednesday night, i couldnt resist penning down my thoughts on what i consider an extreme display of lack of logical thought on the part of millions .

After eleven seasons, one would assume that they'd grow out of it, that they would realise how the media has been playing them like a fiddle while running a show that has grown drabber by the episode ever since the first season ended. Instead of this realisation, countries world over have been cashing in on this enterprise. Australian idol, Indian idol, Chinese idol, even SINGAPOREAN idol - theyve been popping up everywhere, and causing teens world over to obsess over everyday singers. Its amazing how easily swayed the public is by total strangers. These media Moguls hold in their hands the power to enthrall and disappoint a billion people as and when they wish. Its the perfect manipulation scheme, and i have only one word that can accurately describe it -

Genius.

Absolute genius! the intricate way that they have felt out their audience, the way they've honed the program so that it gently draws the viewer into forming an emotional bond with the contestants. I can attest to the spellbinding effect that idol has on people : i actually watch one of my close friends text in for David Archuletta every Tuesday-brace yourselves- FOUR HUNDRED TIMES under the table during one of our classes, despite my numerous protests, despite the risk of getting caught by our teacher, despite the fact that she's wasting hundereds of minutes of talk time for a complete stranger.

It has taken over the very lives of many. It has brought about a cascade of sales in merchandise, itunes songs, cds and tickets. It has made its founders very very rich. In all honesty, it is one of the smartest enterprises i have seen in a long, long time, and it is both awful and awesome.

Yet, no matter how much i admire the entire organization, i must say that i remain unswayed - i am, as i have always been, iconoclast :D

Drowning

2008-04-29T22:54:00.000-07:00

Drowning

Today, more than ever before (perhaps only of late, i dont know, i guess i tend to exaggerate) i feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the numerous problems that seem to have surrounded me - i am alone in the woods, at night, without a soul in sight, and i'm looking up at the stars for comfort as opposed to getting up and DOING something about it. This inaction - this desire to watch my own distruction, my own unravelment that seems to entertain me, is my very own personal spectecle - like a car crash, that stupifies the spectator into stopping to watch the distruction that is inevitable. I am the driver and the spectator, all at once. Its almost like a freudian dream - only this is no dream, it is reality.

I dont know if i believe in fate - the inevitable ending of everything in what was meant to be. Should i truly believe that it is all meant, that this suffocation is simply a step to a better - or worse- tommorrow and that my efforts to choose between the two are completely in vain , the purpose of my being is simply rendered irrelavant. There is no reason for me to try, to justify my actions, to think about my next step in life - because everything is predetermined. I would simply be carrying out someone else's plan - and actors dont have to think.

Humans in general choose ideals that comfort and reassure them - its completely true, look around you. Yet this is a dilemma that has been a huge question mark in my life thus far, and will probably always remain - which of the two ideals gives me comfort? the fact that i play an active part in my life, that i have the freedom of choice gives me great comfort indeed. yet, when i make the wrong choices, or when things dont work out, why does this little voice in my head say that everything will eventually turn out right? Why do i seek the comfort that fate offers only when i screw up, and at other times believe that i am the ruler of my own destiny?

This hippocracy that is engrained in my attitude is the cause for my downfall. The responsibility of my actions is shirked everyday, simply because my actions may not be successful and the blame may cause my ego and hope to fade. Yet, when people tell me to work hard, and later, when hard work does not pay, tell me that everything will work out, one must wonder, is it human nature to be hippocritical in this manner? Does everyone forgoe logic and responsibility for the sake of comfort? Is it absolutely basic instinct to retreat to the most comfortable solution or justification of one's problems, dispite the fact that it makes no logical sense?

These questions, endlessly abysmal that they are, weigh me down even more than my problems do. It is a train wreck of sorts, i guess - the wreckage of logic, of that which i believe my life is dependant upon. It is an earthquake to the foundation of my life. And i can only hope it has awakened me from my slumber of comfort and inaction, such that i may stop the wreckage before it takes place, seize the moment before it passes, grasp the reins of my life and swerve away from distruction, as i am bound to do, be it by fate, or simply, by will.

bush and cheney - crazy

2008-04-29T17:25:00.000-07:00

Bush and Cheney have gone CRAZYYY

i know ive been blogging WAY too much, but i JUST HAD TO post this.

its a parody of the song "crazy" by Barkley

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zSfZ9juF3M

enjoy. i sure did :D

À ton étoille

2008-04-29T11:49:00.000-07:00

À ton étoille

c’était un très bonne chanson…. À ton étoille(to your star) par Noir Desir

je pense que je suis en rose avec cette band!!! <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZ1J9_vDs4M

(the video isnt the original one, but its pretty damn good too. and just so you know, the english lyrics are below the french lyrics on this post. so go look, because its still really nice in english :D )

Sous la lumière en plein
et dans l'ombre en silence
si tu cherches un abri
Inaccessible
Dis toi qu'il n'est pas loin
et qu'on y brille
A ton étoile
Petite soeur de mes nuits
ça m'a manqué tout ça
quand tu sauvais la face
à bien d'autre
que moi sache
que je n'oublie rien
mais qu'on efface
A ton étoile
Toujours à l'horizon
Des soleils qui s'inclinent
comme on a pas le choix
il nous reste le coeur
tu peux cracher même rire,
et tu le dois
A ton étoile
A Marcos
A la joie
A la beauté des rêves
A la mélancolie
A l'éspoir qui nous tient
A la santé du feu
Et de la flamme
A ton étoile

and now, the english translation (that retains its wonderfulness :D )

Under the light
And under shadows, in silence
If you're looking for shelter
Inaccessible
Know that it isn't far away and that we're shining there

To your star

Little sisters of my nights
I missed all that
When you knew the face
Of someone other than me
Know that I won't forget,
but that things get erased
To your star
Always on horizon
Stars that are inclined
Since we don't have a choice,
we remain with the heart
You can spit or even laugh,
and you must do so.

To your star
To Marcos
To happiness
To beauty of dreams
To melancholy
To the hope that holds us
To the health of fire
And of the flame

To your star

Leaving.

2008-04-29T09:10:00.001-07:00

Eternity is only moments away...

It is only 49 days now, until this semester of school ends. Our very last semester of high school, the environment where we have spent the past four (maybe less for me) years in.

This final period of stais, of going nowhere, with a destination in mind, of biding our time until someone, somewhere, somehow comes and saves us from the torture of the overwhelming will to procrastinate and simply stop caring truly weighs heavily on us. The opportunity that beckons us is alluring, the white light at the end of the dark tunnel that we have been searching for all our lives. Yet, as we look at this light, there is still a small part of our hearts, of perhaps our souls, that has grown so accoustomed to the darkness that the light that we have been longing for has lost some of its allure. It is the irony of life itself : that which we do not have is always what attracts us. The pleasure of persuit is more than that of attainment, and now that this persuit is comming to an end, our hearts wish to linger a few more moments, to remenice, to wash ourselves in the sea of memories that we have created. The feeling is rather surreal - like a photograph that traps a moment in time for eternity, this period between now and college serves as a cage for time itself, perhaps not enough for eternity, but strong enough to last us a few months...a few days, a few moments, a few instances of happiness that will forever, again, remain engrained in us.

We will find new persuits to occupy us this fall.We will scatter, like a jar of marbles dropped to the ground, shards of glass that have wounded some of us missing others. We will heal from our losses, and find gain in our experiences. But right now, as we await the distruction of the mosaic we make together, when every single unique tile will be picked apart and flung across the country, we must ensure that we cherish these moments of togetherness. The future awaits us, and we know that we must reach for that light - it is inevitable that we shall be torn apart.

Yet our relationships, our friendships, our love for one another shall never seize, and this will keep us together even as those tiles find places in other mosaics, as those marbles are put into other jars. We shall prevail, if only because of the tiny moments of effort we put into keeping in touch - a word of greeting, of news, of congratulations- it is these words that will keep us together.

So today, in this age of stasis that we have entered, with exams around the corner and an overwhelming need to simply break free of the prison school has become, we must keep these months in perspective. We must revel in the memories of the past, and create new memories that will last us a lifetime. We must feel the spirit of our lives so far for the very last time before we are cast out into our new worlds, and we must end this era with the joy and abandon that we have shared so far. After all, in loosing what we know now, we may very well find ourselves.